


How to Get Over Your First Avenger

by asrewrites



Series: This One Time [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dating, Developing Friendships, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Jealousy, Moving On, Not Canon Compliant, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Post-Break Up, Romantic Friendship, Sex With an Ex, Vaginal Sex, working with superheroes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2019-12-07 21:25:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18240368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asrewrites/pseuds/asrewrites
Summary: Steve's got a new love and you're moving on. Things change at work and in your life pretty quickly.





	1. One More Threat to Your Wellbeing

I saw Sam pretty regularly, if you can call once every 5 to 6 months regularly. Our first breakfast had gone well, he was a nice polite man with a wicked sense of humour, but neither of us had walked out of that restaurant thinking the other was the one. Steve made attempts at staying in touch as well, they usually corresponded to a meeting I had with Sam, as if Sam jogged his memory and the contact followed. At least you could say we were all becoming some sort of friends.

Natasha hadn’t given up on the idea of getting me and Mr tall dark and handsome together. She befriended us both, making sure that we always ended up running into each other and one day she told me point blank that the most harmful thing Nick would do to me would be to get really drunk and puke on my shoes while she waved him over and insisted he take me out for coffee. Nick told me that Natasha had been added to his intern group shortly after the day we met; and that she had non-stop talked about me until he felt like he knew me directly. He had grey-green eyes and a shy smile that put me at ease, so I agreed to coffee. A week later Natasha disappeared from Nick’s intern program and we had our first official date.

Nick was sweet and he was determined to ‘woo’ me. He took me on several dates, never trying for more than a peck on the cheek. I was hoping that we would stand a chance of getting to the good part, but the fates aligned against us and Nick broke up with me. Actually Nick broke up with his internship, fled was the real word for what he did. He, like many of the night workers, were around when the next big thing to come at the Avengers happened.

Things got pretty out of focus around the offices when Tony and the others created a killer robot that threatened the world. I was being tutored by Dr. Cho by that time and had ended up doing a lot of triage work after the Ultron robot attacked the tower. That was the first time I had seen Steve face to face again in over a year. He wouldn’t look at me or speak to me beyond nodding yes or no to questions about his injuries. He did allow me to give him first aid, including running the stitching device Dr. Cho used over his more serious cuts. He got up and left without a word as soon as the Dr. gave him permission. I’m sure no one but me gave it a second thought as I also had Clint, Natasha and Rhodey to deal with since I was the only staff member on site that night. 

Technically, I had been there studying up on my muscle groups, but my work under Dr. Cho also found me practising blood drawing and culturing, as Dr. Cho was interested in having me be more useful to her lab too and I had nothing but free time. Most of the men I had tried to date since Steve were not interested in continuing once they found out who I worked with. Some plead fear of repercussions if things didn’t work out, some were afraid that I would have unrealistic expectations of them because I was around heroes all day, and most were just too interested in meeting the Avengers to pay much attention to me. I understood the idol worship to a degree, but being used as a stepping stone to the real object of their affections wasn’t my idea of the basis for a relationship.

Then there was Nick. Nick had given me hope that I could move on. He didn’t care that some of the people I worked with were Avengers. Nick was around a lot because of his internship, but he wasn’t worried that either of our jobs was going to be a problem. Our hours meshed enough that we were able to see each other outside of work, and really spend time getting to know one another. Then Nick fled because of Ultron. He disappeared the night of the attack. People worried that he had been killed or abducted for some reason. It turned out he just drove off to Michigan and moved onto Maine where he was arrested in a bar brawl. That’s how Tony found him, or at least that is what Tony told me. I was relieved and disappointed to know that Nick had taken off, but I knew that fear could be a powerful motivator and the Ultron incident inspired a lot of fear.

Admittedly I wasn’t really thinking about Nick much that night. Steve was there, and in some ways I could focus on nothing else. I could feel his eyes on me, and the sound of his voice distracted me whenever he spoke to anyone. He stayed on the floor making sure that everyone else was alright, ready and willing to help anyone who needed it to get back to their room or leave the building. He brushed past me several times and once I almost dropped the needle I was holding. I caught myself before it left my fingers but that didn’t go unnoticed by Clint, my patient. He smirked at me, and I hoped he thought that it was just the presence of everyone around tonight that was making me nervous.

“Cap has that effect on people,” he whispered when I stepped closer. “I won’t tell anyone.”

I gave him a weak smile and he winked at me. I finished giving him the shot to numb the area and began the hand sewn stitches. One of Clint’s many quirks was that he didn’t trust technology all that much, and preferred to have all his stitches done ‘old school’. He wouldn’t let Dr. Cho or anyone else use the machine for stitches, and since I was in training I’d been sent over to fix him up. He watched my face intently, not my hands and smiled brightly whenever I looked up at him to see how he was doing. It wasn’t a big wound, but it was deep and it looked ugly. When I was done you almost couldn’t tell it had been severe. Clint let me bandage him up and thanked me profusely before heading over to Natasha and checking on her. They left soon after.

Soon I was alone cleaning up the areas where people had been seen to. The more severe injuries had been taken to ward floors and the main floor was now quiet and deserted. I was singing a little song to myself, a habit I’ve a long time, so I didn’t hear him approaching. He cleared his throat and I spun around, grabbing my neck in fright. He frowned and blushed a bit as I met his gaze.

“Jesus Steve. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. You need a bell.” I coughed, and tried to stop the things my sudden turn had unsettled on the tray I was working on, from falling to the floor.

“Sorry.” He said with a shrug. “I just needed to know if you’re ok.”

“I’m fine, really Steve. It’s been a long day, I’m just tired and ready to go home.”

“Nothing came after you?”

“Nope, I was just up here studying. I heard some of the noise and felt some of the hits to the building but nothing came up here until the injured started to arrive.”

He nodded and I saw his chest deflate. He’d been worried and was relieved that it was for nothing. I turned and wrestled the items pinned between the edge of the tray and my waist, back into place on the tray and quickly spun back to Steve. He had started forward, as if he would help but stopped when I moved. I stepped towards him and took his hand. A deep black bruise coloured his skin. I knew it wouldn’t last long, but I also knew the kind of power that caused such a bruise. I was stroking his hand as he looked at me.

“Are you alright Steve? Need some pain meds?”

“I’m fine, really. I just wanted to talk to you, alone.”


	2. Tea and Simply Me

“Okay, shoot.”

“I think you should quit. Things are coming after us here now and it’s too dangerous for...”

“No.” I said simply, cutting him off. He looked sad and a flash of anger passed across his eyes. “I’m valued here Steve. I’m being trained and encouraged to do more, learn more and be more. I like it. I’m not quitting just because stuff happened, or will happen. That’s life. I could walk out into the street and get hit by a car. I could find out I have stage 4 cancer. Life is short and I’m willing to take my chances every day, and I’m not a quitter.” 

“I had to ask. I had to know if you were here for you or for me.” He looked at the floor as he said that and I laughed. I sighed and looked at him, watched him squirm under my gaze. He hadn’t been expecting me to laugh at him.

“Steve I’m a lot of things, but I don’t stay where I’m not wanted. I’m not here because it’s some kind of connection to you. I didn’t get my job because of you. I was working for Stark before we met; my role is just evolving, like yours.”

He sighed and looked back up at me. He seemed on the verge of saying something and I saw him rethink it. He eventually stammered, “Sam says you have a man now.”

“That’s not about you either Steve. I’m not dating someone to rub it in your face.” I said, shifting my gaze around the room to keep myself from staring at him.

“Is he good to you? Tell me if he’s not. Sam and I will take care of him.”

“Thanks Steve, but no. If I tell you anything about him it won’t be so you can beat him up, or put the fear of Captain America into him so he’ll treat me right. I appreciate your instinct; truly I do, but that kind of protection usually backfires spectacularly. We’re barely dating, so right now all I will say is he is a perfect gentleman.”

“I’m glad to hear it. It’s nice to know that you’re doing well.”

I looked at him, he looked pained. I stepped forward and placed a hand on his arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m okay Steve. Are you okay? You can talk to me anytime you need to, I’ll always be here for you.”

He covered my hand with his and a sad smile crossed his face as he looked back at me. “I don’t have any right to expect you to listen to me.”

“I’m giving you the right. We’re friends Steve. It’s what friends do.” He blinked at me and some of the sadness left his face as he squeezed my hand. His eyes stayed locked on mine as we spoke.

“It would be nice to have someone to talk, to someone who cares.”

“Did you want to talk here or somewhere else?” He paused then. I could tell he hadn’t expected me to offer to talk right now. He blushed and moved away from me. He took a turn around the room as he looked for eavesdroppers and stragglers I guessed, before he came back to where I stood and watched him.

“How about my room? It’s in the basement, close to the training rooms.”

“Sure Steve. Is it just a bedroom or do you have a kitchen of some sort? Tea would be nice for our chat, don’t you think?”

He smiled at me then. “Tea would be nice. I have a good selection too. Just you wait and see.”

We walked over to the elevator and I realised once it scanned us, that the building was still on full lock down. Without Steve I wouldn’t have been able to leave the floor since I currently only had access to the learning labs unless I was with other people. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was trapped in the building until now and I wobbled a bit as we got on the elevator and started our descent. Steve noticed.

“Are you ok?”

“Yea, I just realised I’m only cleared for that floor. If you weren’t here I’d be trapped there all night waiting for someone with access to the main level so I could leave.”

“You don’t live in the tower?”

“Tony wants me to but I keep moving out on him. I like to have more control over the energy in my surroundings. That doesn’t work too well on a communal floor with fourty people on it. Any ways, there was some ‘glitch’ the last time I left and it’s supposed to get fixed, but basically it means I can’t leave the building without someone knowing I’m leaving.”

“Sounds like Tony. He just wants to protect you. We both do.” Steve looked down at me with a little smirk, he nodded his head too. If he wanted to play the big brother role now I could live with it, but that didn’t mean I had to love the idea. 

“If you lock me up in your room Steve, there will be hell to pay.” I snarked at him as we stopped in the basement and he started off the elevator in front of me. He glanced back at me shaking his head with a smirk and pointed down the hall.

“I’m at the end, go down this hall, turn right and go all the way down. Last door is mine.” He handed me his keys and motioned with his chin to the training room where Sam was pummelling a heavy bag.. “I’ll be there in a minute, just going to check in ok?”

“Ok. Don’t forget about me or I might fall asleep.” I said before I started down the hall and covered a yawn as I went. I heard Steve chuckle as I walked away.

I let myself into Steve’s room, it was a nice little apartment. I understood the appeal for Steve. No windows meant no easy access to his space, anyone coming through the vents would have to drop 15 feet or more to the ground or nearest surface. There was only one way in or out that I could see. I wondered if there was another hidden door or if Steve felt he could batter his way out if he needed to. It was probably 50/50 either way. 

I made my way around the little kitchen after I put his keys on the kitchen table. Steve didn’t have much furniture, there was no obvious place for him to keep his keys, so I did what I thought was obvious. I looked through the cupboards and found the kettle and tea. I filled it with water and put it on the stove before I wandered through the living area. Steve had the basics, couch, coffee table, tv stand, dvd player and a small collection of dvds. He had area rugs and a shelving unit that was barely populated. It was sparse and very Steve. I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t have any pictures up. I knew he drew, a sketchbook was never far from his hands when he had a minute, and he had let me see a few things. He was good, he definitely had talent and I had almost made up my mind to ask him why he hadn’t put anything up, even just for himself; when the kettle started to squawk and pulled me out of my reverie.


	3. Coming Together Once More

I got two cups and poured the water, picked a nice herbal tea for both of us. It was late and I didn’t want caffeine. If Steve was still the man I had spent time with before, he would drink any kind of tea you gave him as long as it had three heaping spoons of sugar in it. I fixed the tea and took the cups over with me to the couch. I placed them on the coffee table and settled on the couch. I revelled in how soft the couch was for a minute or two, then I grabbed my tea and took a test sip. I blew on the rest of the cup, not wanting to burn off my tongue. The comfy couch, the warm tea and the quiet room soothed me and I drifted off. I caught my hand as the cup tipped before I spilled any of the hot liquid on myself and put it down on the table. I looked around, but there was no sign of Steve. I took the cup and drank some more tea and put it back down before I flopped back into the cushions. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know I heard Steve talking to me and I could feel I was being moved.

He’d picked me up and was carrying me, but I’m not sure where as the lights are off or I can’t open my eyes. I felt myself blink and then I knew it’s that the lights were out in the apartment. He laid me down on the bed, pulled off my shoes and searched me for a belt. I didn’t have one on so he switched direction and lifted me before he undid my bra and he put me back down. I felt him sit on the bed, and it moved slightly as he took off whatever clothes he wanted to. I felt him get up and I felt the sheets moving. He picked me up and put me back down before he laid down next to me and pulled the blankets up over us. He wrapped an arm around me, kissed my forehead and whispered “Goodnight sweet heart.”

When we woke up I had no idea what time it was. Steve didn’t have an alarm clock, and I didn’t think that I should ask J.A.R.V.I.S., if the AI was even wired into this room. I could tell when Steve started to wake, his breathe became shallower and his body seemed to tense as he opened his eyes. He didn’t expect to see me looking back at him, he flinched when he realised I was looking at him. He smiled sheepishly and stroked his hand through your hair. 

“Did I wake you?”

“No Steve. I was watching you sleep for maybe five seconds before you woke up.”

He smiled fully at that. He pulled me close and squeezed me, then let me go and got up out of the bed. He headed off to the bathroom, I saw that when the lights snapped on. I rolled over and stretched, then got up and headed to the other room. I found the light switch, the took the cups from the coffee table and put them in the sink. I started the kettle again and was about to check the fridge when Steve came in and stopped me. He pulled out a chair from the table and insisted that I sit down. He grabbed the kettle as it squealed and poured us each a cup of the same tea I’d picked last night. He brought them back to the table as he sat down to my left, close but not uncomfortably so.

“I want you to know that I’m sorry for how I behaved, how I ran away from you and made you feel unlovable. I can’t stop thinking about that. I want more than anything else in the world for you to be so loved and happy, I just don’t think that you should look to me for that because I’m reckless and selfish and I’m hunting the world for trouble and trouble is hunting me too.”

He took my hand in his as he stared into my eyes and I couldn’t look away. He waited for me to say something. I sighed and wondered if this is what he had in mind when he asked to talk last night. I had thought we were past this, but if he needed to talk about it I was going to listen and be as open as I could be. I smiled at him, and nodded in understanding. I patted his hand and started to respond.

“I know I wasn’t the most articulate the last time we talked, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad about what happened or to blame you for my personal issues. You aren’t responsible for me in that way Steve. I know that you care about me, I also know that you can’t take on the responsibility of my happiness. I’m the only one who is responsible for my happiness, just like you are the only one responsible for your happiness.”

I could see the tears that gathered in his eyes as he listened to me, but he smiled at me and tightened his grip on my hand. “I missed you. Your honesty is so refreshing, you never pull your punches and somehow it’s always what I need to hear.”

“Steve?”

“You know I’m looking for Bucky right?”

What followed was a long detailed account of what the search for his childhood friend had entailed. He told me everything, including that Bucky was the Winter Soldier and was the one that left him on the bank of the Potomac. He explained how he had drawn parallels between Bucky and me, in his life and that he felt he hadn’t been fair to me by shutting me out. He knew he was going to have to learn how to share to break through to Bucky, who hadn’t known who he was or what Steve and he had shared in the past, the last time Steve had met him. He was certain that he could find Bucky, he just wasn’t sure that much of the Bucky he knew was still there or that that man could be recovered. Steve was sad and worried that Bucky might never be who he was, that he might always be the ‘thing’ they turned him into. The way he cared for Bucky was sweet and understandable. Bucky wasn’t just a friend, he was Steve’s family, and there was nothing Steve or anyone wouldn’t do for family.

When he was finished Steve sat back in his chair and looked at me. He didn’t ask any questions so I didn’t think that he was waiting for me to say anything specific but I felt like I should say something. I searched my mind for something to to tell him, he looked confused and in need of something. I came up with nothing to offer that made sense to what we had talked about. I got up from my chair and stepped to where he sat. I pushed the table backward and straddled his lap. I sat down as I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug. To his credit Steve accepted this, and held me tight in return. He laid his head on my shoulder and we sat quietly as we held each other.

After a time Steve started to nuzzle my neck and he kissed me lightly. “What are we doing?”

“It’s called being friends Steve.”

“Friends have sex now a days?” He murmured as his lips crossed my throat.

“We’re not currently having sex Steve, but friends can do that. It’s called friends with benefits. I think that fits. Some people call it fuck buddies.”

“There’s a difference?” His hands trailed down my sides, hooked into my waist band and drew me closer to him.


	4. Explaining No Stings Arrangements to the Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you do things that you shouldn't because they feel good.

“Yea, fuck buddies don’t usually do anything but fuck. Friends with benefits fuck, but also they do things like talk, hang out, see movies.”

“Is that what we were before?” He questioned. He captured my ear lobe and nibbled it before he sucked it into his mouth.

“We didn’t define what we were. It might have been easier if we did.”

“Can we do that now? Define us?”

“Not what we were, but what we want to be, yes. We can define that now.” I said as I swung my head around and took his lips over with mine.

I felt when he smiled into the kiss, his arms released me and he pushed me back a smidge. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt here. You already have a man.”

“I have someone I am dating. We haven’t even held hands or kissed, except he gave me a peck on the cheek once. We’re not serious. We haven’t promised each other anything or even talked about being exclusive.”

“Would we be exclusive?”

“Yes, in so much as we would only be fucking each other. Dating other people is generally still allowed in these arrangements.”

“So how does it work?” He asked, his expression determined.

“If we’re clear about what we want from each other, the chance of someone getting hurt is lessened. People can get attached, but if we’re honest and keep talking to each other then we should be able to do whatever we say. If we can’t we stop. If we find someone else, we stop. If we fuck someone else we stop. If we want to fuck someone else we stop. If we get serious about dating someone else we stop.”

“You know what it does to me when you say that,” He growled. He slid his hands under my ass and stood from the chair. He pushed the chair back and it made a shriek as it moved. He turned and stepped forward until I was pressed against the wall, His lips were on my throat and he was roughly moving his hands from my ass to my hips. I was still in my scrubs from last night, and his hand found the safety scissors as they dug into my leg under his hand.

“What is that? Are you armed?” He asked, breaking away from my neck to look down at the hard object he was fishing out of my pocket.

“Safety scissors. You use them to cut clothes off to get at wounds, to treat patients,” I breathed as I chased his lips. He held them up and looked at me with a gleam in his eye. He smirked as he grabbed the neck of my shirt and cut it open. He moved both of you back so the remnants of your top could fall away. He sucked in a breath as his eye dragged over my naked torso. He hadn’t noticed that I’d taken my bra off during the night, and I was kind of glad that it was escaping the fate of the rest of my clothes.

He chuckled darkly and started to cut off my pants. He leaned forward, to brace me as he moved back and worked the scissors through the waist band and down along the seam, through my underwear, until he couldn’t reach any further. The cold trail the metal left along my skin was slightly erotic, and I moaned when he reached around and started to cut through the back of my pants. I saw his lips twitch as he heard my moan, his hand paused briefly in it’s cutting, while his other gripped my hip tighter.

He made fast work of the remaining thin cloth, and pushed the tatters off me until they too fell to the floor. He growled and moved forward, securing me against the wall and allowed me to bite his neck while I pulled his hair. He brought his hands up and I snatched the scissors from him, making quick cuts through the hem and neck of the shirt he had on. I dropped the scissors, grabbed the shirt and ripped it in half. His eyes met mine, his pupils were wide with lust and I took over his mouth and sucked his bottom lip in between mine before letting it go and as I kissed him hard. 

I knew that we weren’t going to go slowly. We were going to be wild, rough and needy. It had been so long since we had touched each other, but we remembered where to touch and how to touch each other to up the excitement, increase the desire and make each other feel so good. Steve shuddered as I tugged his hair again while we kissed. He flattened me against the wall and took his hands away to get his pants off. They were draw string gym pants, the usual tan ones he favoured. Steve was a tan kind of guy, that and his white t-shirts were his staples. They were basic, clean and so him. Seeing that combination on anyone else always brought Steve to my mind. He got the tie loose and the pants slid down his legs, letting his engorged cock spring free.

I felt him shift his body, his skin slid along mine as the angle of our kiss changed and he lined himself up with my wet pussy and pushed himself inside with a smooth and strong movement. I gasped and he grunted. I remembered this, feeling so full. His thickness and length making my body sing to me about the pleasures that had started to build from this small contact. His breath sped up, his chest heaved against mine as he murmured into my mouth “You feel so good. I don’t think I can be slow.”

I knew what he wanted me to say, he wanted to know it was ok to fuck me hard. Steve was always a perfect gentleman, asking for permission at every turn. I let my tongue massage his a bit and I gave it a nice suck before I answered him “Fuck me Steve.”

He shuddered at my words. I knew that word from my mouth did things to him and I used it to my advantage. Getting Steve going was never a problem, getting him to let go and enjoy the moment was a bit trickier. He was afraid of his strength, he was scared to let go in case that was too brutal for the person he was with. His fears were warranted, but he had never hurt me and if he did now, it would be because I asked him to. He started to move, positioning his hands to keep me safely in place while he ensured that he had access to his favourite parts and sights.

I moved my legs higher, slipped down him a bit further to get my hips flush with him and he stilled and a small whine escaped him. He twitched his hips and smiled before he resumed our kiss with a deep sweep of his tongue and he started to really move. He stuttered slightly as he moved down, then he quickly moved back up. He didn’t have a lot of room to work with between me and the wall, but the angle could have been better. As if he read my mind he stepped back a bit and moved my legs higher. I gasped as the sensations changed, my body shook with delight at the feel of him as he moved within me. In this new position he could really thrust and move his hips with speed. He set a fast pace that had me barely breathing in seconds.

I rolled my hips into his movements and circled my pelvis to increase the friction we both got. He moved faster, which I wasn’t sure was possible, my muscles trembled with the surging need that washed over me. My orgasm came fast and hard, it took Steve by surprise and he whimpered as he tried to hold off is own. I moaned when our kiss broke as I arched into my release. He bit along my throat and licked after his nips as he continued to steadily pump into me and made my orgasm continue to his rhythm. He held me tightly as he slammed into me, the sounds of our bodies as they collided and our breathing made me dizzy as another orgasm started to build in me. I moved back to kiss him and he made a strangled noise as his hips surged in a broken pattern, his control shattered and he pushed into me as he tried to stop his orgasm and brought on another for me.

I wanted him to come, the rest would sort itself out so I tugged his hair again and watched his head turn and felt as his breath changed to ragged sobs. He moaned into my hungry mouth as I kissed him again. I felt his release as it happened, his entire body tightened and then snapped against me, he lost the ability to focus and his lips and tongue stopped moving for a moment or two. I kept moving against him. I rolled my hips and circled my pelvis. His hands gripped me tightly as he continued to thrust but he slowed his pace as his heart trip hammered against his chest. With his chest pressed tight to mine I felt that and my heart thundered in response to his. I tugged his hair again, ran my fingers down his neck and gripped his shoulders as I moved myself up and down slightly, enough to make him quiver and growl.


	5. Erotic and Short Lived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once more, with feeling.

I repeated the move three times before I came again and he whimpered as my cunt pulled at his cock. He kissed me, such a dirty and wet lip lock that I shuddered as much from it as from my finish. Steve braced his arm beside my head, on the wall. He leaned against me harder and huffed air into my shoulder. I held onto him for dear life. I felt a bit squashed but so content and alive that I couldn’t think of anything that was better. I hadn’t let myself have anything like this since we had been together before and now I wondered why I had been so stupid.

I knew I couldn’t keep Steve. Even if he changed his mind about how safe it would be for me to be with him, he was searching for Bucky and he wasn’t going to stop. If right now was the last time we ever touched or spoke, I was so glad that I had another memory. A better one. One where we both knew the outcome, where we both agreed that it was just fucking. I would always have a piece of Steve and he would always have a piece of me. In this moment we were both complete, together and sated. I knew he would leave sooner or later. He might even leave today. That was his job and there was a threat out there to be fought.

Steve mumbled something and it pulled me out of my thoughts. He moved away from the wall as he held me close. He took me over to the bed and laid me down. He placed himself gently over me and smiled as he looked me over. He hummed and lowered himself to kiss me, he chuckled into the kiss when I shivered against him. I pulled him closer, enjoying the weight of him, not worried that he would crush me. Steve was far too thoughtful for that to happen. He moved over me, holding me as he turned onto his side, he took me with him as he continued the kiss.

His hands roamed over me and mine traced him. I wanted to learn his lines. He had no new scars, he never would because of his specialness. I didn’t care that I wasn’t thinking of it technically. I knew what had been done to him, how he had been changed. Dr. Cho had insisted that I learn about every one of the Avengers since I would be treating them when I worked with her. Tony had seconded that as it was probable that I would see them at other times too. I had a little place in my mind where I had Steve all to myself, and in that place, he was just special. I didn’t have to share him with anyone else, not the world or even the Captain. In that place, I stored all the moments that we shared that were just ours. All that time was mine and I cherished it.

Steve stroked my face, then moved back and looked down at me. He smiled and sighed. “I missed this. I know I shouldn’t say it. I know. But I missed you.”

“I know Steve, It’s ok. I missed you too. That will happen, no matter what. We’re friends first, and we don’t see each other a lot. We’re going to miss each other.”

“You always know just what to say.” He said. He took my lips again in a languid kiss. He brushed his hands over me, light, warm strokes that left me tingling. I pressed myself against him and stroked my hand down his back until I grabbed a firm butt cheek in my greedy little hand. He grunted into my mouth and pulled my leg up over his hip. He ground into me, letting me feel that his cock was already getting stiff again. I nipped at his tongue and moved my hand from his ass to his cock and held it before I started to stroke him.

“Fuck me, Steve,” I groaned as he hardened under my touch. He flipped me onto my back and pushed between my legs, determined to make me his as many times as he could. We got lost in each other and it was as impressive a reunion as it was erotic and short lived.


	6. Stress Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keeping up with your other friends and acquaintances.

Before Ultron had happened there were signs in the group that things were rocky with some of the Avengers. Tony, never one to really share, turned up more often than not drunk to my office, wanting to talk. I did my best to listen to him, often giving him a shoulder massage in an effort to calm him down. I kept asking him to talk to a professional and I offered several times to go with him if he needed someone to. I could tell there were things Tony needed to deal with that I just couldn’t help with. Even if I had the right qualifications, I doubted that Tony would have told me more than he did. As it was, I knew he was hurting and the events with Pepper had taken a heavy toll on him and then the events with Ultron only seemed to make him worse. I wasn’t in any position to make Tony do anything, so I did my best to be a friend when he asked me to.

I knew most of the Avengers at least in passing, and many of the S.H.I.E.L.D. members too. Of course, when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, I stopped seeing a great many of the people I had known from my classes. It wasn’t long before many of them returned as employees of Stark Industries. I felt closer to Steve and Tony then many of the others because I had spent the most time with them. I didn’t expect any particular kind from treatment from either man, no matter how they might have thought of me. Tony deliberately bounced things off of me that he wouldn’t elaborate on, and Steve was pretty much the love ‘em and leave em guy in my world. At some point, after we fell asleep the morning after Ultron’s attack at the tower, Steve had gotten up and left the building. I found out later that he actually left the continent with the Avengers. They were chasing Ultron and ultimately they found him. Things went sideways and there had been a lot of devastation. 

Clint though, he had picked up on something between us that night and made an effort to fill me in on what he knew about Steve whenever he saw me. Not that I saw Clint that often, but after Ultron, the search for Bucky continued and then the bombing happened which brought the Accords and turned over half of my friends into wanted criminals. In between these events, I saw Sam and Clint fairly regularly. Tony had decided that I was top level important personnel and had forcibly moved me into the tower to keep me safe. Since most of the Avengers lived there from time to time, seeing them became commonplace. 

Sam came back often to make sure his VA groups were running smoothly. He had worked hard to get me involved in some of those because I was a good resource for those with anxiety and panic attacks. Sam called my meditation techniques a godsend and insisted that I use my power for good. Sam was very hard to say no to and after sitting in on a few sessions I realized that I could really help and there was no stopping me then. Clint was a little rarer to see than Sam, but I missed them both when they retired and then were declared fugitives. I was totally livid and screamed at Tony for hours when I found out that they were taken into custody and locked up in some super secret jail. Tony hadn’t meant to tell me, but he was so shattered by the loss of his friends. The loss of Steve after Pepper had all but destroyed his peace of mind. He had come to me drunk as a skunk and crying about his betrayal.

He lamented that everyone who had been his family was gone, except me. Natasha had let Steve leave with Bucky. Bucky had killed hundreds in the bombing and Tony couldn’t understand why Steve would defend him over Tony. I knew it was of no use to try to explain how Bucky was family, the very thing Tony thought he had just lost, especially when he was so liquored up. He let the jail thing slip and I saw his face crumble as he took my anger for betrayal too. He had left telling me he would try to make it right, that if I could think he was so wrong too then maybe he had missed something.

It was months later that he told me he had gone to the jail and gotten the information on Steve and Bucky. He knew that Bucky wasn’t the bomber, but he had found out something much worse. He told me that he forgave me my anger at him, but that I had to understand that he was right to feel betrayed by Steve. Tony announced then that Bucky had killed his parents, and that he’d seen the video himself, with Steve. Steve had told him that he knew about that tape, knew the secret of why his parents died and had never told him. He barely admitted that Steve hadn’t known it was Bucky who had done the deed, but Steve had known it was a Hydra action and why it had happened while never telling Tony a thing. I knew how hard it would be for Tony to accept what he had found out. It was also so very hard to hear. I knew Steve had secrets but I had never thought how toxic some of them might have been.

I tried to be there for Tony, but he was angry with me over my initial reaction about the Accords and the arrests, and he felt judged. He didn’t want me to judge him. He insisted that I could never know how bad things had been, how Steve had turned on him again and defended Bucky. How they both had attacked him, almost killed him and left him for dead in a ruined suit. It took a few conversations to get Tony to admit that he wasn’t mortally wounded, that the suit wasn’t going to kill him either and that neither Bucky or Steve had actually tried to kill him. They were just trying to stop him from attacking them, from killing Bucky.

Tony eventually told me that he had received messages from Steve. That Steve wanted to make sure Tony was alright, that he hoped Tony would reach out if he needed help. Tony was quite gleeful the day he told me someone had broken the others out of the super secret prison. He said he hadn’t heard right away because he was suspected of assisting in the prison break. I already knew they were out, I had been visited by Sam of all people. He was sitting in my room, looking guilty. It was obvious he had been there for a while, and he had at some point fallen asleep on the bed. He walked over and smiled at me as he closed the door and gave me a big hug. He gave me several letters, some addressed to friends and family and several for me told me to take care of myself and to be careful. He left after another longer hug, he hoped that he could visit longer soon. Or maybe I could come to them.


	7. Letters From the Hidden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the run and hiding out doesn't make for ease of conversation.

I still hadn’t become a full part of Dr. Cho’s staff. I was just a temporary recruit whenever she was in the tower. That had saved me from run-ins with many of the things that came after Dr. Cho. My guess was that the fact that I was totally unremarkable was what made me so attractive to Tony, Steve and now Sam. As a contact, I wasn’t going to be considered. I was a massage therapist when my association had started and as far as I was aware no one was worried about me knowing anything more important than different massage or relaxation methods. I was a perfect cover and presumably a perfect patsy if things went wrong.

I spent a few hours turning these thoughts over in my head, wondering if I mattered as a person, beyond the services I had to offer. I eventually opened one of the letters addressed to me. It was from Steve, and I marvelled at his handwriting. It definitely gave away his age, and it was beautiful. There was page after page of thoughts and pages still of pictures. Steve had drawn me from memory, he sent me a few beautiful memories and some self-portraits. He drew Bucky for me, Wanda, Clint, Sam, Scott and a couple of group scenes that were meant to tell me he and the others were alright. Even if I didn’t know the others, their names were written in the bottom corners. Steve signed the other pictures, in his letter he said it was so that I could display them or sell them. He had no idea if I was still employed or if I had lost my job when Tony joined the Accords. He told me to sell the signed pictures if I needed money, he knew there was a demand for his work.

I read and reread the first letter repeatedly. It apologized for him leaving me alone in his room, he hadn’t meant to. Steve had left to get some food for us and had been dragged into a meeting and then sent to the Quinjet without ever getting to eat himself. He had gotten food on the plane but had no time to go back and tell me what had happened or to tell anyone else to tell me. I was effectively stranded on the training floor until someone showed up to let me out of the building. I had magically gotten a working card the next day. I was told it had been prioritized as it was delivered to me by the armed escort, that came to move me into the tower. The little video they played me was Tony, Clint, Sam, Steve and Natasha all asking me to do the right thing and move into the tower where I could be protected. They needed to know that their friends and family were safe. It was a generic message to everyone that was being moved that day, but for a second I felt incredibly important. For a moment, I felt cared for. 

I let all my things be packed up. I let those people shuffle me off to the tower and I sat there in my room for days, not unpacking a thing. I had eventually given up and moved in. I started getting used to living in the tower and found my way around the neighbourhood outside it. It was quite an interesting place, with the AI you could get almost anything you wanted delivered in 30 minutes or less. Since I had a habit of talking to myself I had to ask the AI, it was F.R.I.D.A.Y. now, not to get everything I said out loud for me. One stressful day I ended up with food and drinks from 17 different places at my door, because I was grousing to myself out loud about what I wanted and F.R.I.D.A.Y. got it all for me interpreting my chatter as requests. Once I established with F.R.I.D.A.Y. how I would ask for things I actually wanted, things were infinitely better for both of us.

All this was brought to mind by the first half of Steve’s letter. I could hear his voice in my head as I read and it made me feel close to him for a bit. The second half of the letter talked about Bucky. What had happened with Ultron, leading to Zemo and the Accords, the showdown with Tony and Steve’s side of what Tony had told me about the fight. He told me where he was, what was happening with Bucky and his hope that he and Tony could reach an understanding that would let him get Bucky back home, keeping everyone out of jail. He wanted to sit and have a real drink with me. Let me meet Bucky. He told me that progress was being made at undoing what had been done to Bucky’s mind and everyone felt certain that soon Bucky would be in full control of himself again and no one else would be able to use him again.

There was a little note at the end of the letter, in smaller and cramped writing. It read Hello. I hope to meet you, Steve’s friend. Bucky. I didn’t know if Steve had let him write it or if Bucky had snuck the letter off and added that in secret. I might never know, but it told me a lot about their relationship. 

I sorted through the other letters, taking note who they were for and whether I could deliver them in person or if I should mail them. I could send them by courier too, instead of separately. I hadn’t formulated a plan when I noticed there was a post-it with that smaller but now more spindly writing on it. It was a few verses that might have been a poem, but I had never read it and a google search came up with nothing. I didn’t know what it might mean or why it was there. Maybe it had just gotten mixed in the mail, but knowing the people involved that didn’t seem likely. I looked at the post it for a while, the tucked it into my bedside drawer. It had no names, nothing to make it something anyone would think out of place and I didn’t think it would mean anything to anyone except Bucky, or now me.

I opened another letter with my name on it and this one was from Sam. He apologized for being away for so long, We were good friends and he missed our time together and he really hated not being in the loop on the VA groups. He hoped that I was still involved with them, that his name and current reputation hadn’t tarnished my good name, or lost me the opportunity to help out. Sam wrote as he spoke, and the letter rambled a bit but it also was funny and endearing. There was a little note inside from Clint as well, hoping I was ok and telling me not to worry. He knew I hadn’t met Wanda or Vision or even Scott, but that I would love them when I got the chance and he was sure that would happen. He told me to keep my chin up and that he was watching Steve for me.


	8. Hand Delivered Missives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pictures are worth a thousand words, but a thousand words can paint an interesting picture as well

Clint never called Steve Cap as Sam did. Most people didn’t refer to Steve as Steve when you had heard anyone talk about him. He hadn’t been wrong to feel that people didn’t see the person he was, they just saw his name and as much as it bothered him to know that he was right about that, he also seemed happy to let it happen. He let them define him that way to keep them at arm's length. I had seen him change when people called him Captain, it was subtle but it was there and I was surprised to be right about it. It was an assumption I had made after hearing him talk about how important it was to him that I saw him as Steve, really saw him as a person. Steve was a complex man, with simple desires. He wanted people to be good, his friends and family to be safe and for the world to be a happy place. He was also very aware that those things were not the overall reality of the word.

The third letter was just sketches. Bucky, Steve, scenery, and some very intimate depictions of my anatomy. I supposed it was Steve’s way of telling me he missed me, it was probably also his way of not getting caught with pornographic drawings in a place full of men. I knew Steve wouldn’t actively show anyone his drawings, he was intensely private about the sketchbooks he had. It was also apparent that Bucky didn’t exactly honour Steve’s privacy; so there were potentially two people that had seen these drawings before me. Steve drew incredibly well, and the pictures were really detailed and portrayed the moments in such a way that the emotions and feelings were clear. Or maybe I thought that because I was there for them, because of the way they conjured memories and feelings in me. It was a little odd to think that someone I had never met had possibly seen me like that. 

I didn’t want to think too much about what I didn’t have with Steve gone. It wasn’t a good time in the tower to be looking for a partner either. I didn’t get out enough between my different jobs and sometimes daily talks with Tony. Even if I had wanted to, in two years I hadn’t gotten close to anyone. I really hadn't had the time. There was another small letter for me that said if I needed to get anything to the men I could send it through Thor. Thor and Bruce were pretty much the only Avengers who were undeclared, un-retired and unwanted by the governments of the world. The letter also said that if Vision was a reliable relay, Vision would tell me himself. Since I hadn’t heard from Vision and only briefly seen the life form a couple of times, I guessed that that might depend on the letter I had for him. I had one for Tony as well, written by Steve. I knew his handwriting now.

I had six letters in total. Four from Steve, two were just drawings, the other two had long pages of writing and drawings. I read and re-read the second letter before hiding all of the letters and going to bed. If I could sleep I would need it. I had a feeling if letters had started then my life was going to get interesting in other ways too. Three days later I came out of the shower to find a bouquet on my bed, Natasha in my kitchen and another pile of letters. Nat just smiled and shrugged when she saw me, winked and wished me a happy birthday before leaving with a box of pop tarts. I hadn’t been wrong about the interesting.

There were several letters for different people again. Three for me. Two were from Steve and one in that small spindly writing that was Bucky’s. I read Bucky’s first. He basically wrote three paragraphs. One saying that he was trying to get his penmanship back and was writing to everyone he knew, which consisted of four people, me included. The second paragraph rambled on apologetically about his bad penmanship and lack of other people to bother with the task and the third summed up thanking me for my patience and wishing me a pleasant life and wondering if maybe we would meet someday. 

Steve’s letters were different, he started by saying that he hoped to hear from me but didn’t know how often I would be getting the letters. He knew I would reply when I had the time. I was working on a letter now, to reply to the first three; but I wasn’t finished yet and now I had two more. He wrote around his sketches and doodles this time. There was a sunset, my eyes, my lips, my smile. He wrote a lot about Bucky and how well he was doing. He mentioned that Tony was working on getting them back home and that Bruce seemed to like me, maybe I would be interested in working in his lab as well as Dr. Cho’s? I had to wonder how he had heard anything from Bruce since I had only given him his letter the day before, but these guys were the Avengers. They probably had a lot of ways to communicate that were more reliable then underground post.

I read Steve’s missive and went back to writing my reply. I didn’t want him t think I was ignoring him or that I was holding a grudge. I drew little stick figures, the best ones in my repertoire, to add to the letter. I wasn’t really talented enough to draw and I was fairly sure I had told Steve that once when I’d found him sketching one day. He’d known I was there and still, he had let me see what he was drawing. It was the view from the window he was looking out of and I’m sure I had gushed about his talent. I had felt like I was gushing and more than that I was always so impressed by anyone who could draw anything that looked better than my stick figures. I remember Steve blushed, but he always did at compliments.


	9. The First Time Meeting the Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve comes back with a few surprises.

A week later I had relayed my second letter to Steve through Natasha this time when I ran into her in my room again. I had gotten her a stash of food since the last time I saw her and she hugged me in thanks. She told me I was definitely a good friend to have and that she would be seeing me again. She left behind more letters and only one was for me, from Bucky. His handwriting was getting better, larger, less cramped and spindly. It was a nice progression from the first few notes, although I couldn’t gauge the time between them with any certainty. I was a bit surprised by the lack of a letter from Steve, but I was more surprised to get one at all so I figured it evened itself out. I had almost forgotten all about it later that day when I was sitting in my meditation room, writing up some notes from the last session and heard my office phone ringing. I'd never gotten a call on my office phone, the older rotary phone was in the massage room, pretty much decoratively sitting on a shelf from disuse.

I hurried to the other room as quickly as I could but the phone stopped ringing as soon as I was in reach of it. I was unhappy that the message light didn’t come on, but I shrugged it off, pulled over a stool and sat down to finish my notes. The last session had been really informative and I had a lot of ideas. My flow came to a screeching halt with one little sound. I hadn’t noticed them enter the room, but when he cleared his throat my heart stopped. I looked up and there stood Steve, there was someone immediately behind him but I couldn’t focus past the embarrassed smile on Steve’s face, and his awkward posture. 

“Steve?” He looked up at me then, his shoulders relaxed at my tone. The man behind him shifted and it seemed like the tension in the room dropped because the tone in my voice was light.

He turned to the man behind him, motioning to the massage chair to the left of them and the other man went towards it while Steve came forward. I sat there watching him, wondering what the hell he was doing anywhere near the tower alone. I’d thought Tony would have had him under guard all the time, to make sure he knew where Steve was. Tony still had trust issues a mile wide over the events from the Accords. Steve held out his hand and I took it, expecting him to shake it for some reason and I was surprised when he pulled me to him for a hug. 

“It’s good to see you.” He said. He looked down at me, his expression was shy and almost afraid.

“It’s good to see you too, in one piece and all. What are you doing here?”

He cleared his throat again, stepped back and motioned to the man in the massage chair. A faint glint from the man’s fingers caught my eye and before I knew it I had blurted, “Bucky?” The man's head snapped up towards me, his light eyes locking on my own. He clearly wasn’t expecting me to say his name.

“Yes, this is Bucky. He needs a little help with relaxing. He hasn’t been sleeping, his new arm is giving him pains. I know you do massage and I thought you could help.”

Bucky watched me like a hawk, I could feel his eyes burning into my skin as Steve talked to me. His voice was strained and his posture was defensive. I was sure he wasn’t acting that way solely about me, which told me Bucky wasn’t here willingly.

“Steve, I can help of course; if Bucky wants me to.” I saw the man move out of the corner of my eye. Steve tensed at that, ready for an argument that didn’t come.

We both turned towards Bucky, who sat motionless in the massage chair staring at a point on the floor between Steve and I. I looked back to Steve and touched his arm, he looked over at me and shrugged. He wasn’t sure what was happening either. 

I walked closer and Bucky didn’t move but he definitely tensed up the closer I got. I could see that his one arm, the one that glinted, had a larger muscle mass around it than his other arm. I guessed that he had overused those muscles at some point, caused an imbalance and that overcompensation had thrown off his other muscles. If he no longer needed to physically overcompensate he might be feeling the strain in his other muscles or in muscles that weren’t used to being used. I stepped behind the chair, it was situated for access to a patient from all angles. Bucky’s head shifted so slightly, it was only given away by the twitch of a strand of his longish hair from his shoulder. I knew Steve couldn’t have seen it from his vantage point.

“I will have to touch you Bucky, that’s what massage is about. Is that ok?”

No one moved or said anything, I looked at Steve who watched Bucky intently. “Buck?” He asked and Bucky nodded slightly.

“It’s ok Bucky, we don’t have to do this if you're not comfortable.” I started to move away and Steve looked at me sadly. He seemed defeated.

“It’s ok.” Came the low rumble from Bucky. I almost wasn’t sure that I heard it but Steve smiled and I knew Bucky had really spoken.

“You don’t have to take off your shirt if you don’t want to, but I will get a better idea of how I can help you if you are willing to take off your hoodie. I can still figure things out if you’re not comfortable with that, but the bulk of the material will lessen any relief I can offer you.”

Before I had finished speaking Bucky had peeled off the hoodie, he wore a dark henley under it, which seemed odd as the weather was still warm; but everyone had different ideas about what weather made them feel cold. Also, he was probably trying to disguise his arm. He didn’t need to hide it in here though, and it was better if he didn’t. I rubbed my hands together to warm them up and said, “I’m going to touch you now, you can tell me to stop anytime.”


	10. Laying Hands on the Winter Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's hoping you can help Bucky relax enough to get some sleep

I put my hands on him, one on either side of his neck and ran them across his shoulders, then down his back assessing his tension and pressing here and there to find knots and hidden tension points. I was just doing a cursory assessment, I didn’t think that Bucky wanted me to start in on a massage. It crossed my mind that I didn’t ask if it was alright with Bucky if I called him Bucky. Not wanting to let the lapse stay in place I asked, “I know it’s a bit late, but is it alright if I call you Bucky?”

I felt a rumble and realized that he was laughing. Steve’s brow furrowed, not sure if that was a good thing or not. I kept up my manual search and waited for a response. I made it down his back, identifying several places where he held significant tension. I spread my hands across his lower back, along the waist of his pants and around to his sides. He stopped laughing. He sat perfectly still and waited. I removed my hands and stepped in front of him and started the assessment again along his chest. He stared determinedly at the floor but still hadn’t answered the question. I was almost done with the chest and torso, and I needed him to raise his arms. To ask him I wanted a form of address, and if he wouldn’t provide it I would switch tactics.

“Steve?” I said in a measured and relaxed way. “What is the patient’s full name?”

I could feel Steve freeze even though I didn’t see it. It was in his nature to feel put on the spot. Bucky didn’t move, was barely breathing. Steve took a breath and answered me. “It’s James Buchanan Barnes.”

“Thanks, Steve. Ok, Mr. Barnes, can you lift your arms over your head like this please,” I demonstrated while I asked. He didn’t look at me for more than a second, a wry smile on his lips as he moved his arms to mimic mine.

I ran my hands up one side and then the other. I wasn’t looking at his face but I could feel his eyes on me, watching everything I did. Once I had checked both sides, I looked at him, I saw his eyes widen when mine met his, then they narrowed and he looked away. “I’m going to take each arm and repeat the same assessment. Is that alright Mr. Barnes?”

“Bucky,” he mumbled. I was only sure that he spoke because I saw his lips move.

“Excuse me?”

He cleared his throat and looked right at me, a little jolt past through me as his light blue eyes met mine. “Bucky. It’s Bucky, please.”

“Ok, Bucky. Is that alright?”

He nodded sharply and I took the first arm and ran my hands along the length of it, rubbing, turning and flexing it all the way down to his wrist and fingers. I felt Steve watching me and Bucky as well. This was his flesh arm, and he had a few tight places but generally was in good form. I heard both men gasp when I took his metal arm and started repeating the exam. No one was expecting me to massage the metal arm. Not Steve and certainly not Bucky. He stiffened but didn’t pull away, and I heard Steve as he moved forward in case there was a bad reaction. I ran my hands down his metal arm, it was cooler but not cold and it moved with a fascinating fluidity. It mimicked natural musculature very well and if it was closer to a flesh tone, instead of the dark colour it was, most people probably wouldn’t notice it was metal.

I finished with the same flexing and rolling of the wrist and fingers and released his hand. He held it there for a moment, looking at me with a curious expression on his face. “Why did you do that?”

“Prosthetics have different ranges of movement and flexibility. They can cause different issues with balance and muscle use. Yours is new?”

He nodded. His eyes left mine and settled on Steve. I heard Steve speak and realized that he was almost right behind me now.

“He has had prosthetics for years, but this one is new, you’re right.”

“Can you tell me about the previous arm?” The men exchanged looks and I looked at Steve, I assumed he would speak first but it was Bucky.

“I lost it,” He said simply and I looked back at him. He didn’t add anything else to that and I turned to Steve to find him staring at the floor and the muscles in his jaw clenching. I didn’t need the details and it seemed no one was going to say more so I pressed on.

“Was it bigger than this one?”

“Yes.”

“Heavier?”

“Yes.”

I nodded. I turned and walked around to grab a note pad and pen. I started making notes. I was absorbed in what I was doing. I didn’t let their stares register on me or the fact that Steve started to move restlessly from one foot to another, which I saw in my periphery. I could also see Bucky, unmoving as he glowered in my direction.

“How did you know?” Bucky asked.

“Sorry?”

“About my other arm?”

“I checked your muscles and they told me. They are bigger on the prosthetic side. Now that your prosthetic is lighter and smaller, your muscles are feeling strained in a different way. They aren't as needed to compensate for that other arm. It’s your body struggling to adjust to the new configuration, to the new weight.”

I didn’t need to look up from my notes to see them as the looked at each other, Steve shrugged and Bucky shifted in the chair. I continued to write and kept track of the men as well. When I finished my notes I stepped back to the chair, between both men and began to speak.

“I think you can benefit from some massage, possibly some rehabilitation therapy to get you back on track and lessen the growing pains of getting used to the new arm. I also offer meditation, yoga and can give referrals to chiropractors and other professionals if you feel you want to explore those options.”

“He needs the massage therapy, and he’s having panic attacks so I think the mediation would help too.”

“I don’t want to be a bother,” Bucky said quietly.

“It’s my job to be bothered Bucky,” I said as I turned to him with a smile. He looked at me and then away, cleared his throat nervously and stilled.

“Can you maybe give him a demonstration? It was hard to get him here, I’m not sure I can get him to come back.” Bucky’s head snapped to Steve and he glowered at him. I turned to Steve, who blushed under the look and smiled.

“Did you have to order him here?”

“Yes,” Steve said as he looked at me. “He’s as stubborn as I am. Maybe worse.”

“Punk.” Came Bucky’s voice.

“Jerk.” Replied Steve, with a tight smile. “I told you, she has unbelievable hands. At least let her give you something to remember.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calming one super soldier while dealing with another

I blushed at that, thinking how many things Steve had to remember about me besides my hands. I took a deep breath and looked at Bucky. His gaze was locked on Steve and his expression was unreadable, but his body shook with tension. The man was livid.

“Fine.” He breathed. Steve relaxed and nodded to me to go ahead when I checked with him. I turned back to Bucky and started the usual spiel.

“Alright then,” I said cheerfully. “I can do this over the shirt or if you prefer without the shirt. If you opt for no shirt that allows for a variety of oils and or lotions to be used that can increase the relaxing and restorative effects of the massage. If you aren’t comfortable with that I do give a wicked scalp massage, but I would be touching your head, neck, face and hair.”

Bucky was looking at me wide-eyed. I hoped he didn’t feel trapped, he almost looked like he was ready to bolt.

“It’s okay Bucky. She is always this way with the people she helps. It’s her work voice.” Steve soothed and Bucky seemed to relax.

“Too chipper? I can tone it down so that I’m less annoying.” I looked between each man and waited for anyone to make a decision or say something.

I just stood there and waited for someone to make a decision. I sighed in frustration and that spurred Bucky’s reply, “I’ve never had a scalp massage.”

“Ok then, just sit back and relax. This won’t hurt, and if you are uncomfortable in any way please let me know.”

Steve sat on the nearest stool close to him and Bucky sat back in the chair. I walked behind the chair and started to massage the base of his neck. I rolled my thumbs along and into the base of his neck and spread my fingers up into his hair. I applied pressure and rolled the pads of my fingers as well. Bucky shivered under my touch, a slight and fast motion that I wasn’t sure that I felt. I kept my hands moving up to the crown of his head, then down the sides and forward. Back up and around, across the top of his head. His hair was soft and thick. His head lolled forward a bit as I moved my fingers over his scalp again, flattening my palms and moving my hands against his skin as I pushed and pulled it in alternating motions. The idea was to increase blood flow to the hair follicles but many people found it incredibly relaxing. 

I worked my fingers along his temples when Steve caught my eye. I looked at him but didn’t stop my work. He put a finger to his lips and then motioned to Bucky. He then mimed sleeping and I realized that I could freely move Bucky any which way I wanted. He was out cold. I gently leaned him back against the headrest on the chair and stepped towards Steve.

“This is the first time he’s slept in weeks,” Steve whispered, he took my hand and pulled me closer. “He has nightmares.”

I looked back at Bucky from where I stood at Steve’s side and saw someone who looked very different from the hard-lined man who had glowered at me while I made notes. In sleep, Bucky’s jaw was still sharp, as were his cheekbones, his eyes looked sunken now and there were obvious dark circles that he had kept hidden by averting his gaze whenever I was close enough to see them. His head was laid back now, lips slightly parted as he breathed deeply and slept. The strain on his features was gone and he looked as young as Steve now, where before he had looked older and meaner. Now he looked almost innocent and sweet.

Steve watched me as I looked at Bucky. I caught him as he watched. I looked to Steve and shrugged, I had every right to look at my patient and make certain they were alright. I stepped in front of Steve and took his hand. I led him out of the room, I could see Bucky through the glass in the door but you were now less likely to wake him up.

“How did you get in here Steve?”

“Are you not happy to see me?” he goaded with a smirk.

“Haha. I figured if you turned up it would either be like Nat and Sam showing up in my room or under armed escort that Tony insisted was for your protection.”

“I told Tony that I didn’t need a guard to see you. Bucky is fine and under his own power now. No one can control him anymore. He’s free.”

“Then why don’t you sound happy?”

“Because he’s haunted. Because he’s broken and can’t help himself and I don’t know how to help him.” Steve’s head fell forward and I saw a tear as it fell from his face. I stepped into him and forced his head to my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him. He grabbed me tightly and sobbed into my neck.

“It’s ok Steve. He’ll be alright. You’ll be alright. Just remember this is Bucky now and that is different from who he was and who he will be later. I’m not the same girl you first met, I change all the time. You’ve changed too. The important thing is that you’re there for him like good friends are.” I patted Steve’s back and soothed him as he cried. 

When he calmed, Bucky was still asleep. Steve wondered aloud if a blanket should be put over Bucky and I countered with the information about the room being a high temperature for massage and that a blanket might wake Bucky up.

“If he isn’t sleeping properly Steve, then we should let him wake up on his own, the rest will do him good. Should I teach you how to do a scalp massage so you can put him to sleep?” I stepped back and looked into Steve’s face. His eyes were red and puffy, he dragged his hands roughly through his hair. He looked wrecked and I wondered how these two managed to hide how tired they were so well.

“Maybe go grab a chair so I can give you a little rub down too?” He sighed and looked right at me. He smiled a tired and tight little jerk of his lips and rubbed the back of his neck as he put a hand to his hip. This was his easily recognizable I’m gonna have to say no to something I don't really want to look. I’d seen it before and it still made me angry.


	12. Everyone Relax Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always something that comes up during a heart to heart.

I turned and walked over and grabbed a chair from a table lining the hall outside the rooms, and dragged it back before Steve. I motioned to it and he huffed as he took a seat. I peeked at Bucky who was still sleeping in the massage chair and went to work on Steve’s shoulders. He was wound so tight that if he relaxed I might not have any awake men left in my vicinity. The blessing and the curse of being good at your job I figured as I worked his shoulders and Steve’s head lolled forward and his breathing changed. I kept going and worked his muscles into a more pliant state. Steve mumbled something as I shook him slightly, he managed to help me get the chair closer to the wall and prop him between it and the chair so that I could go back and check on Bucky, grab my note pad and a nice roller chair to take back into the hall. Bucky shifted but didn’t wake while I moved through the room, and I managed to get back into the hall without waking him.

I started to sit, thought better of it and went to get some water. I came back to find Steve watching me through half closed eyes, still propped against the wall. I picked up my note pad and took my seat on the stool. I balanced the notepad on my thigh and cracked open the water, taking a long pull. I offered it to Steve and he took it with a nod of thanks He took about half of what was left before he handed it back. Bucky had now been asleep for an hour and Steve was impressed.

“I don’t know whether I should ask you for the keys to this room, or for your cell number so that I can call you in whenever he can’t sleep.”

“He’s gone through a lot of trauma, He will need to work through that, and it’s going to be hard, and slow and I’m not moving in with you guys to make sure he gets sleep. He’ll come back on his own looking for help Steve. We’ve done nothing that would tell him this isn't a safe place, I’d like to leave it at that. Building trust is hard enough when you don’t have battles to fight with someone. This is how I do it.” I stated into his disbelieving look. He nodded and smiled as he pushed forward and leaned towards me.

“I don’t think you need to worry about people trusting you. He never lets anyone touch his arm and you had it in your hands for 20 minutes.” Steve put his large warm hand on my knee and squeezed with a wicked grin.

“I’m sure that has more to do with how much you talked me up then on how he feels about me one way or the other Steve,” I said as I patted his hand.

“Well, you’re very easy to sell.” He gazed into my eyes and his face softened. “You got my letters?. Did you like the drawings?”

“They’re beautiful Steve. I’m so amazed at your talent. I’m also embarrassed by your commitment to detail. No one saw those right? Just you?”

“Just me. I didn’t put them in until before I handed them to Sam or Nat. I didn’t want Bucky to see them. I knew he was sneaking peeks at my letters. He might be highly trained, but he forgets that chips are greasy and his metal fingers still leave marks.”

“You encouraged him to write to me. That couldn’t have been easy.”

“He didn’t want to practise like we did back in school. It wasn’t too hard to convince him to write little things to most people, especially you. He loved the picture of you looking out the window that I drew. I would have sent it to you but he needed it more. I can always draw you another.”

“So we both had an idea of who each other was? Nice thinking Steve.”

He nodded thoughtfully and leaned forward further and whispered, “I think he has a crush on you. I thought it was just the idea of you, but once he saw you I knew it was you.”

“Now you’re just being silly Steve. He doesn’t know me.”

“When he knows you he’ll be in love with you, it’s because he doesn’t know you that it’s a crush.”

“Steve, you’re being silly,” I said as I shook my head. I looked at Steve and he watched me carefully, gauging my reaction. I knew my heart pounded at this revelation, but I hadn’t blushed. “Are you trying to encourage this, discourage this or is this just informational?”

I asked with a bit of strain in my voice as I watched Steve, there was a darkness in his look, it flickered across his eyes and away while he looked at me. “I honestly don’t know. I know I have no rights, I don’t want any because I’m me and I’m stupid about protecting you from even me.”

“It’s ok to be jealous Steve, you knew me first. I don’t know that it’s a rational reaction, jealousy. I think it’s instinctual. I think you’re just displacing your worry about his well being onto the things around him that could harm him.”

“You wouldn’t harm him.” Steve stammered immediately as he reached a hand to comfort me.

“I don’t mean literally that it’s me that you fear. People can and have hurt Bucky. I’m a person, there’s a whole world full of them and anyone could hurt you or me, or Bucky. Your fear’s not irrational exactly, but it’s not specifically focused either. I bet you will end up having a similar conversation with Natasha or any other woman he might show an interest in; however mild. He could get hurt, that potential exists in every human interaction, whether you like the person or not.”

“You are such a remarkable woman, how did I ever get to meet you?”

“Remarkable people tend to gravitate to each other,” I said and squeezed his hand with a smile. Steve gripped my wrist and pulled me closer, my roller chair only made it that much easier for him to get me into his arms as he hugged me tightly. I thought Steve was about to say something when his phone went off and he got up and strode away to make the call private.


	13. Watching the Men Leave Once More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All it takes is a phone call and the crew is off and running

I stood up and looked into the room. Bucky still slept soundly in the chair. His breath was deep and his face slack. I watched him for a while and wondered if he dreamt or if he was too tired to and was he in a black void of exhaustion. I lost track of time as I watched Bucky breath. I leant against the corner of the door frame and wall, I could hear Steve’s voice and I knew when he stopped talking. I knew he made other calls. I didn’t know what he said but I could hear the soft whisper of his voice as it rose and fell. He would be leaving again. No time to get familiar with each other again now.

I noticed Bucky’s eyes moving and realized he was dreaming. I watched him breathe and decided that as long as it didn’t get shallow he was not having bad dreams. Steve walked up a minute or two later and looked stricken.

“You have to go,” I said steadily as I watched Bucky. I moved my gaze to Steve’s reflection and he looked torn. “I can go wake him up, then it’s just telling him it’s time to shove off.”

I pulled on the handle of the door, and Steve stopped me before it moved a fraction. 

“I wish we had more time but...”

I turned to him, pressed my hand to his chest and rose up to put a kiss on his cheek. “It’s ok Steve. Duty calls.”

“I was hoping we could catch up.”

“I’m not going anywhere. When you have free time you know where to find me.”

He smiled at me and I turned and opened the door. I made certain to hit the frame with my roller chair as I brought it back into the room and I spoke loudly to Steve about putting the other chair back. My plan was to wake Bucky in a natural way, that would be jarring enough to bring him to wakefulness but not so harsh as to scare him or so quiet that it wouldn’t work. I rolled the chair to the other side of the room and dropped my notepad on it. I turned and looked toward Bucky, who was looking at me through half open eyes, arms crossed across his chest as if he had not slept and was unhappy that I presumed he would.

I smiled at him, “Oh good you’re up. It’s time to go.”

His brow furrowed at that and then Steve strode in, looking to Bucky then me. It looked like he was going to ask how I’d gotten Bucky up, but Bucky spoke first. “What happened?”

Steve looked confused for a moment, then he noticed Bucky’s eyes were fixed on the phone in his hand. “We’re needed. I can explain on the way.”

Bucky nodded and stood. He pulled on his hoodie as Steve walked over to me. “I really appreciate your time today. I think it really helped.”

I handed him my card and smiled. “All my numbers, call anytime, but remember that I’m not always happy to be woken up.”

Steve grinned at that and winked. Bucky grappled with his hair as this happened, and didn’t see the interaction. He turned our way as Steve tucked the card into his pocket and he stared right at me. “Thank you for the demonstration.” He gruffed.

“C’mon Buck, it’s after 7 and we’ve got a ways to go for the briefing,” Steve said as he nodded to me and started out the door. I saw Bucky’s eyes go wide and then narrow. He nodded to Steve and made to follow. He stopped in the door, his face a mixed display.

“Thank you,” he said and then he was gone.


End file.
